SCENE 1

(Lights up on KEVIN, ARTHUR, MONA, ANVIL, and PAMELA in a family tableau. A phone rings, and an answering machine takes the call.)

Hello, you have reached Finnegan's Funeral Parlor and Ice Cream Shoppe.

(The tableau breaks up. MONA, ANVIL and ARTHUR exit. PAMELA remains onstage as KEVIN attempts to carry a cumbersome barrel of embalming fluid.)

Unfortunately, we are temporarily closed for renovation. If you are requesting the removal of a body, please leave your name, address, and phone number, and we will pick it up at the earliest opportunity. In the meantime, please keep it in a cool place. A refrigerator set between thirty-four and forty degrees is ideal. Thank you.

(During the previous speech, KEVIN manages to regain his balance. Then PAMELA sneaks up behind him and pushes him offstage into the back room.)

Kevin, what are you doing? Watch out! Don't drop--

(The barrel is heard crashing to the floor offstage.)

Smack him, Daddy!

(ARTHUR enters, leading KEVIN by the arm.)

You obviously have no talent for undertaking. Let's see if you have better luck with ice cream. Pamela, would you go clean up the embalming fluid Kevin spilled in the back room? There just might be a treat in it for you.

Goody!

(PAMELA exits.)

Just one toe! No more! All right, Kevin. Fix me a sundae.

(KEVIN drops a scoop of ice cream into the dish.)

That scoop is too big.

(KEVIN puts another scoop into the dish.)

That one is too small.

(KEVIN tries again.)

That one isn't round enough.

(KEVIN drops a scoop on ARTHUR's shoes.)

Kevin, what is the matter with you? Is it trouble at school? Girls? Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. What am I going to do with--

(ANVIL enters, listening to blaring headphones and wearing torn jeans and a heavy-metal T-shirt.)

Anvil... Anvil!... ANVIL!

(ARTHUR violently tears the headphones from ANVIL's head.)

You're going to go deaf listening to that music so loud.

What?

I said you're going to go deaf listening to that music so loud.

What?

I said you're going to--

(ANVIL laughs hysterically.)

What's so funny?

It's a joke, Dad. Don't you get it?

Get it?

Yeah. You tell me I'm going to go deaf and I say "What?" and you tell me again... Forget it. You've been working with stiffs too long.

Don't talk about undertaking like that. A mortician's business is a very respectable one. One I'll have to start teaching you now.

What the hell are you talking about? I don't want to be a fucking mortician.

When business starts to pick up again, I'll have my hands full with the public relations and the ice cream shop. I'll need your help with the bodies.

Why don't you make Kevin do it instead?

I have tried to teach him, but he is utterly inept. He can't even scoop ice cream properly. I think he's becoming feeble-minded. And we do have to continue the family tradition.

Fuck the family tradition.

(ANVIL puts his headphones back on.)

Don't talk about the profession that way.

(MONA enters.)

Hello, Anvil. How was your day?

(tapping ANVIL on the shoulder)

Anvil?

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

(MONA, startled and gasping for breath, falls back into ARTHUR's arms. ANVIL laughs hysterically.)

Anvil, don't scare your mother like that.

If you keep listening to that music so loud you're going to go deaf.

What?

I said, you're going to go deaf listening to that music so loud.

I can't hear you, ma. I think I'm going deaf.

(ANVIL exits, laughing.)

Don't make fun of handicaps. It's not nice. Why isn't Anvil more like Kevin? Kevin never gives us trouble. He's never said an unkind word.

He's never said any word at all.

(Loud heavy-metal music can be heard offstage.)

Anvil, turn that music down! ANVIL!

(ARTHUR exits and PAMELA enters.)

Is Daddy going to smack Anvil?

Nobody is going to smack anyone, Pamela dear.

Oh. Do you want to hear my essay for second grade, Mommy?

I'd love to, dear.

"My Favorite Food by Pamela Finnegan. My favorite food is thighs. They are juicy and fun to eat. I don't like ears. There isn't much meat on them and they are too chewy because they are made of car-... cart-..." How do you say that word, Mommy?

Cartilage, dear.

"They are too chewy because they are made of cartilage. But sometimes Mommy will let me have a toe off a body if I'm good because you usually can't tell one's missing if they are wearing shoes. One time I cut off a whole foot, but I got in real big trouble and I didn't get any toes for a whole month." How do you like it, Mommy?

It's very nice, dear, but I'm not sure if it's... appropriate.

Don't you like it?

I like it very much, but most people don't have an undertaker in their family, so they might not understand.

You hate my essay!

(PAMELA starts to cry. MONA takes PAMELA into her arms and rocks her.)

That's not true! I love your...

(KEVIN, who is now wiping the counter, accidentally knocks a sundae dish off the counter.)

Smack him, Ma! Smack him good!

No one's going to...

(ANVIL enters, followed by ARTHUR.)

Get back here, you punk! You're going to be a mortician whether you like it or not!

Fuck you and your stiffs!

Don't you talk that way to me!

(ARTHUR and ANVIL exit.)

Anvil's gonna get smacked!

(PAMELA exits.)

No violence, please!

(MONA exits. KEVIN looks around to make sure he is alone and then produces from behind the counter something wrapped in a towel. He unwraps it; it is a mannequin head, upon which is a wig. KEVIN produces a pair of barber's scissors and begins to cut the hair on the wig. Blackout.)

[END OF EXCERPT]