(The church where DAN rehearsed earlier. JENNIFER is waiting for DAN when he enters.)

You're a half hour late. Where were you?

Detention.

Detention? That's a first for you. How come?

It's a long story.

Oh, well. There's this girl in first period study hall--maybe you saw her in detention--some hippie kook named Renee something-or-other. Anyway, she walks in right at the end of first period, and she said it was because she had to send something to one of those hippie organizations--Green Peas or something. So she got detention.

Are you set to practice your speech again?

I'm not going to give it.

Why not?

I don't feel all that faithful.

Did you talk to Father McLaughlin?

Yes, and as a result I'm tired and hungry and I don't have one bit of faith.

Here, why don't you try reading something from the Bible? Maybe that will remind you how loving God is.

All right.

(DAN starts to read the Bible. Elsewhere on stage, ABRAHAM and ISAAC enter. From above, GOD'S VOICE is heard.)

Abraham!

(Pause)

Abraham!

(Pause)

Abraham!

(Finally, ABRAHAM notices the voice.)

On your knees!

Yes, Heavenly Father.

Would you do anything for me?

Of course, Heavenly Father.

If I asked you to, would you climb to the top of Mount Sinai and scream at the top of your lungs, "I'm an effeminate moron!"

Yes, and I would even add, "I'm proud of it!"

Would you eat earthworms fried in the fat of a leprous ass?

Gladly, and I wouldn't even add ketchup.

(GOD enters.)

All right, then. What I want you to do is this: Go up into the mountains and make a sacrifice.

Is that all? I do that all the time.

This time you must sacrifice your son, Isaac.

(ISAAC squeals in terror and clutches ABRAHAM's leg.)

Isaac? If I kill him, who will clean up the camel's dung? Why Isaac?

I get tired of seeing all those cute little lambs dying all the time.

But he's my own son!

Are you turning chicken on me? Abraham's a chicken! Abraham's a chicken!

All right. I'll do it.

(ABRAHAM performs each action as GOD tells him to.)

Great! Now build an altar with those stones... Nice and high... Just like that. Next, make a fire. A big one... There's nothing I like better than a big fire, except a big flood, of course. Okay, tie down Isaac... There you go, good and tight, so he can't get away. Ooooh! Look at him squirm!

(GOD gives ABRAHAM a knife.)

Raise up this knife. Really high, now... When I count to three, drive it right into his chest... One... Two... Two and a half... Two and three quarters... Wow, you really did mean it! All right, let him go.

What?

Let him go. I changed my mind. There's a ram caught in that bush over there. Kill that instead. I'm hungry for lamb chops anyway.

But didn't you want me to sacrifice Isaac to prove my faith?

Shhhh!

Hey, I was just kidding. Come on, don't pout like that. You didn't take me seriously, did you? For heaven's sake, some people just can't take a joke.

(GOD, ABRAHAM, and ISAAC exit. DAN is closing the Bible.)

Well, did it help?

[END OF EXCERPT]